August 29, 2008

Polk County Barbies

Posted by Josh Hallett on January 31, 2007 at 10:58 AM

First a few disclaimers. 1. I did not write this, it was forwarded to me by a few people. 2. It's not original, a while back there was something similar about Tampa Barbies posted on Sticks of Fire.

All that said; some are funny, some are lame and some are offensive. You've been warned.

South Lakeland Barbie:
This princess Barbie is sold only at Macy’s. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Garden Grove Barbie:
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately

Lake Wales Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Lake Eloise Estates Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Bartow Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Lake Ashton Barbie Senior Edition:
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. A Percocet prescription is also available. Golf cart is optional.

Polk City Barbie:
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Bartow Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Lake Hollingsworth Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two USF Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Wahneta Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Redneck Ken and his 1979 Ford 4X4 were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the “Little Dale”

Auburndale Barbie:
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-'huntin' but she can be found at Christy’s with Lake Eloise Estates Ken almost every Friday night.

Green Parrot Barbie:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts. Snap on parts sold separately.

Comments

Not worthy of replication in any forum.

I got the email too recently, with Tampa bay areas instead of lakeland....

I don't understand the Lake Hollingsworth one. I live a couple blocks away and haven't seen many of those hairy, birkenstock wearing ones anywhere. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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